Last night, my parents’ dog tried to kill me


Both my parents travel for business on a regular basis. Usually, they align their travels so that one of them will be home to take care of their exceedingly sensitive miniature dachshund, Ginger. This week, however, their travel will overlap and I offered to take Ginger in to love her and pet her and call her George.

Ginger is a sweet dog, and the chicks adore her. Ginger lets them pet her, poke at her eyes, prod her whiskers. Much different than, *hmmmm, let’s see* the freakazoid dog we own.

This dachshund needs lots of love and affection. If you are not providing enough, and you happen to be reclining on the couch, Ginger will take matters into her own paws.

I was laying on the couch, enjoying the silence in the house, and watching the last “cycle” of America’s Next Top Model. (Can somebody please explain why Tyra calls each season a “cycle??”) After attempts too numerous to count, Ginger hopped her way onto the couch where I lay. She inchwormed her way up to my shoulders. She wrapped her elongated body around my neck like a boa constrictor. Ginger then craned her head around, pressing her little neck against my mouth and nose.

I couldn’t breathe.

I flailed my arms and tried to grab her and pull her off my neck. She just tucked in tighter.

And I still couldn’t breathe.

Making matters worse, while trying to smother me, Ginger was licking my right eyelid.

Finally, Crazy Sammie (our insane rat terrier) came to my rescue and snarled at Ginger. She took a leap off my chest, just as Sammie sidled up next to me and farted. I was happy to be breathing again, even if it was rotten air.

Here she is, eyes aglow. The well-meaning smotherer, just looking for love.

13 Responses to “Last night, my parents’ dog tried to kill me”

  1. Calling it a “cycle” makes me think of menstruation.

    Um… maybe Ginger thought she was being lovable, but I would have been avoiding her like the plague after that! Dachshunds long bodies and short legs are too goofy looking, they always make me laugh.

  2. close call! smothered by love. 🙂

  3. Oh no! At least you know Sammie is good in a pinch.

    Oops, no pun intended 😉

  4. Now THAT’S excitement!

    It’s too bad your parents don’t own a boa constrictor instead of a dog, or you’d have had a story you could sell to TV.

  5. Too bad you didn’t do a re-enactment photo of her strangling you! That would’ve been funny. I sure hope you can survive until your parents return! Between the thugs and the dog hugs, you’ve had a tough week, Mama.

  6. I am sure she was just trying to give you some love.

    My parents have a fairly neurotic scottie that for some reason all of us with the exception my husband absolutely adore. Not long ago we were over there for dinner and while sitting around the living room chatting the dog curled up on my husbands feet. Within seconds my husband was kicking him away as the dog had just proceeded to pee all over his socked feet. He really dislikes the dog now : )

  7. is it me or does the dog look possessed? not in a bad way of course. And damn, I’ve missed ANTM this season!! What’s the matter with me?

  8. I’m glad you’re OK!

    This week has been so crazy that I haven’t watched ANTM yet, but it’s on the DVR.

    And I’m with Jill – “cycle” is probably appropo what with all of the raging female hormones 😉

  9. yes, she looks like a killer to me!

  10. 10 KT

    OK… I have been laughing at this for the last 5 minutes. Sammy saving you from the wiener dog, and then closing the deal with a fart. Nice! Ginger makes me think of Frohe 🙂

  11. I thought I replied to this. Oh well. Brain tooter.

    You make it sound quite comical. I would have flipped my shit, asap. The littler the dog, the more they have to compensate for. 😀

  12. I’m sooo with glossy veneer on the ‘cycle’ being a menstruation allusion. Odd, very odd.

  13. 13 Natasha

    Not sure why your dog did that, but my beagle has a bad habit of doing it too…so glad I’m not the only one out there…I’m about to ask my vet what the heck is going on! Hubby thinks it’s funny but I just really would prefer to love on her while she’s in my lap and not on my face….LOL

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